chuck norris

[B_w.]

this is way better than the vin deisel one

Things you may or may not know about my hero Chuck Norris:
>>>> >>
>>>> >>
>>>> >>Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
>>>> >>
>>>> >>Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris
>>>>instead
>>>> >>decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb.
>>>> >>Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
>>>> >>
>>>> >>When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die
>>>>from
>>>> >>cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face.
>>>>He
>>>> >>also
>>>> >>requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and
>>>>buffalo
>>>> >>meat on
>>>> >>his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
>>>> >>
>>>> >>Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a
>>>>canned
>>>> >>beverage. We know this beverage as Red
>>>>Bull.
>>>> >>
>>>> >>Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to
>>>>stop the
>>>> >>JFK
>>>> >>assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets
>>>>with his
>>>> >>beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer
>>>>amazement.
>>>> >>
>>>> >>Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a
>>>>woodchuck
>>>> >>could
>>>> >>chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW
>>>>DARE
>>>> >>YOU
>>>> >>RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!"
>>>> >>and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody
>>>>throat
>>>> >>in his
>>>> >>hand he bellowed, "Don't f*** with Chuck!"
>>>> >>Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this
>>>> >>statement
>>>> >>and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius
>>>>of the
>>>> >>blast went
>>>>deaf.
>>>> >>
>>>> >>Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good
>>>>looks
>>>> >>and
>>>> >>unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the
>>>>transaction
>>>> >>was
>>>> >>finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and
>>>>took
>>>> >>his
>>>> >>soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad
>>>>and
>>>> >>admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker
>>>>every
>>>> >>second
>>>> >>Wednesday of the month.
>>>> >>
>>>> >>The original theme song to the Transformers was actually
>>>>"Chuck
>>>> >>Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in
>>>>disguise,"
>>>> >>and
>>>> >>starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth
>>>>from
>>>> >>drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This
>>>>was
>>>> >>far too
>>>> >>much awesome for a single
>>>>show, however, so it was divided.
>>>> >>
>>>> >>Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks.
>>>> >>
>>>> >>To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck
>>>>Norris
>>>> >>smoked
>>>> >>15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7
>>>>different
>>>> >>kinds
>>>> >>of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30
>>>>minutes.
>>>> >>Beat
>>>> >>that, Lance Armstrong.
>>>> >>
>>>> >>Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by
>>>> >>yelling,
>>>> >>"Bang!"
>>>> >>
>>>> >>A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles".
>>>>Chuck
>>>> >>Norris did not respond, he simply stared at the man until he
>>>> >>exploded.
>>>> >>
>>>> >>Chuck Norris does not sleep.
>>>> >>He waits.
>>>> >>
>>>> >>Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply
>>>>pointing at her and
>>>> >>saying "booya".
>>>> >>
>>>> >>Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is
>>>> >>injected
>>>> >>with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This
>>>>is,
>>>> >>of
>>>> >>course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to
>>>>lower
>>>> >>the
>>>> >>fatality rate of the actors he fights.
>>>> >>
>>>> >>Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to
>>>>roundhouse
>>>> >>every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and
>>>>shit on
>>>> >>their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.
>>>> >>
>>>> >>Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take
>>>> >>yours. If
>>>> >>you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already
>>>>lost my
>>>> >>virginity.", then you are dead wrong.
>>>> >>
>>>> >>Chuck Norris found out about
>>>>Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips
>>>> >>from
>>>> >>"Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show
>>>> >>clips of
>>>> >>Norris having sex with Conan's wife.
>>>> >>
>>>> >>The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
>>>> >>
>>>> >>One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact
>>>>that
>>>> >>Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact
>>>> >>tea-bagged
>>>> >>to death by Chuck Norris.
>>>> >>
>>>> >>Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't
>>>>give him
>>>> >>exact change.
>>>> >>
>>>> >>Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order
>>>>are
>>>> >>trademarked names for his left and right legs.
>>>> >>
>>>> >>Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused
>>>>to
>>>> >>put
>>>> >>razor wire in his Whopper Jr.,
>>>>insisting that that actually is
>>>> >>"his"
>>>> >>way.
>>>> >>
>>>> >>After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic
>>>>bomb
>>>> >>on
>>>> >>Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris.
>>>>His
>>>> >>reasoning? It was more "humane".
>>>> >>
>>>> >>Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes,
>>>>just
>>>> >>so he
>>>> >>can "accidentally" beat the crap out of little kids.
>>>> >>
>>>> >>Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you
>>>>and I.
>>>> >>His
>>>> >>have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they
>>>>are
>>>> >>black
>>>> >>belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick
>>>>the
>>>> >>crap
>>>> >>out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.
>>>> >>
>>>> >>If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If
>>>>you can't see Chuck
>>>> >>Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
>>>> >>
>>>> >>Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for
>>>>children
>>>> >>who
>>>> >>just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying
>>>>Chuck
>>>> >>Norris
>>>> >>calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and
>>>>roundhouse
>>>> >>kicks them in the face.
>>>> >>
>>>> >>Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.
>>>> >>
>>>> >>

[komodo]

[delmarco]

funny....

[witeshark]

Great

[c1apton]

A couple of my "bros" are crying they're laughing so hard. You need to bronze that one

[Longhairedhippy]

I laughed out loud at both of these. bloody brilliant.

[B_w.]

glad you guys like it. i thought it was pretty damn funny

[Numark318i]

classic

[DEATH2000]

Thats a true classic....... freakin hilarious

[nick_318is]

did these all come from the chuck norris random fact generator?

[B_w.]

did these all come from the chuck norris random fact generator?

i dont know. i got it in my email.

[Spieluhr]

damn funny man...

[german speed demon]

Originally Posted by B_w.

this is way better than the vin deisel one

>>>> >>Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to
>>>>roundhouse
>>>> >>every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and
>>>>shit on
>>>> >>their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.
>>>> >>

Friggin classic!!!!!!!!

Dave

[LandoAWD]

Originally Posted by nick_318is

did these all come from the chuck norris random fact generator?

Yep.

[komodo]

http://www.chucknorris.com/html/events.aspx?type=1

Haha! He's read them.