chuck norris

[c1apton]

More Facts: (some are duplicates)

30 facts about Chuck Norris

1. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
2. Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.
3. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
4. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
5. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
6. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
7. There are no disabled people in the world. Only those people who have felt the wrath of Chuck Norris.
8. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
9. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
10. Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
11. Chuck Norris has recently changed his middle name to "f***ing."
12. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
13. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
14. There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck, and Chuck Norris.
15. In the movie "Back to the Future" they used Chuck Norris' Delorean to go back into time and into the future. When they gave it back to him with a scratch on it he was angry and roundhouse kicked Michael J. Fox, which years later was the cause of his Parkinson's disease.
16. Chuck Norris spends his Saturdays climbing mountains and meditating in peaceful solitude. Sundays are for oral sex, KFC and Tequila.
17. Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always. The only time he didn't was in 1941, otherwise known as the beginning of the Holocaust.
18. Chuck Norris can enter up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Select, Start using only his erection.
19. Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the f*** down.
20. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
21. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
22. Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.
23. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
24. Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
25. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
26. When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Chuck Norris!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.
27. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
28. It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
29. Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's s***.
30. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

[komodo]

Originally Posted by c1apton

27. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Haha, I don't think I've heard that one before.

[Longhairedhippy]

some of those are ripped off from the Mr. T and Vin Diesel facts pages.

[Addicted?]

Let them begin..

Chuck Norris does not Tea bag people, he potato sacks them

When chuck norris jumps in the ocean he does not get wet, the ocean gets chuck norris


Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.



Chuck Norris is currently in a legal battle with the makers of Bubble Tape. Norris claims "6 Feet of Fun" is actually the trademark for his penis.



When Chuck Norris exercises, the machine gets stronger.



Chuck Norris clogs the toilet even when he pisses.



Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris



Chuck Norris refers to himself in fourth person.



Chuck Norris does not have pubic hair, he has a groin beard.

Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a royal flush.



Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.



Chuck Norris took the Blue Pill and still found out the truth.

[01Mike330i]

Best. Thread. Ever.

I'm sitting at my desk crying.

[komodo]

Originally Posted by 99mike323i

Best. Thread. Ever.

I'm sitting at my desk crying.

[c1apton]

and then some...

Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.

Many children enjoy games like jump rope, tiddlywinks, and marbles. As a child, Chuck Norris enjoyed killing people with jump rope, tiddlywinks, and marbles.

Chuck Norris saw evil, spoke evil, and heard evil. Then he gave evil a sharp roundhouse kick to the head.

Instead of warming up before a workout, Chuck Norris hammers himself to a crucifix and then pulls the stakes out with his teeth.

Chuck Norris' penis has a Hemi

There is currently a bill passing through congress to force Chuck Norris to get a tatoo that says "SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Chuck Norris has been known to cause severe roundhouse kick related injuries." The irony is, by the time you've read it, the secondhand roundhouse kick is already fatal.

90 percent of the movie, "Congo" was filmed in Chuck Norris' crotch.

Chuck Norris uses his forehead as a flyswatter... and he has never missed.

The Virgin Mary saw Chuck Norris in her grilled cheese sandwich.

For the sake of convenience, the Grim Reaper is Chuck Norris' receptionist.

After taking the first steps on the moon and saying the immortal words, "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind", Neil Armstrong looked to his right, only to see Chuck Norris there on the moon, sitting on a lawn chair drinking a beer. "Giant leap, my ass", Chuck replied.

Chuck Norris' family crest is a picture of a barracuda eating Neil Armstrong.

David Blaine's last magic trick was attempting to survive a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris. He has not been seen since.

A Tsunami is water fleeing from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris has not killed more people than heart attacks yet, but that's only because heart attacks don't do charity work on the side.

The two 'atomic bombs' dropped on Japan in World War Two were actually two small parts of Chuck Norris' left testicle, which he graciously donated to defeat Hitler and the Axis powers in 1943. Since then he has regenerated said testicle, and in the process made Tim McGraw a bigger douche.

Jesus owns and wears a bracelet that reads, "WWCND?"


Chuck Norris once was challenged to a cannonball contest while at Venice Beach. The resulting wake caused thousands of Asians to become homeless.

Chuck Norris' penis has a toe nail.

Someone once tried to make a Chuck Norris flavored chewing gum, but everyone who tried it kept having all of their teeth knocked out and complained about a strange leathery after taste.

Not only does Chuck Norris talk in the third-person, he sees in the third-person.

Ever seen the Hulk cry? Chuck Norris has.

Every Friday, Chuck Norris stands menacingly on the shores of southern Texas and gazes stoicly into the ocean, whilst masturbating. This is why Hurricane Rita turned east.

Chuck Norris once snorted cocaine, shot heroin, tripped on acid, smoked weed, and took shots of pure grain alcohol. Nine months later, Michael Jackson was born.

There's no such thing as a tornado. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.

Chuck Norris decided to can and sell the smell of his farts which are irresistible to women. The product is known as Axe bodyspray.

Chuck Norris never gets brain freeze. Slurpees know when to back the fuck off.

It has been proven that Superman can defeat a locomotive. Then he got cocky and challenged Chuck Norris. He's still in a coma.

[craig]

Originally Posted by c1apton

After taking the first steps on the moon and saying the immortal words, "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind", Neil Armstrong looked to his right, only to see Chuck Norris there on the moon, sitting on a lawn chair drinking a beer. "Giant leap, my ass", Chuck replied.

[01Mike330i]

Jesus owns and wears a bracelet that reads, "WWCND?"

[Addicted?]

Originally Posted by c1apton

It has been proven that Superman can defeat a locomotive. Then he got cocky and challenged Chuck Norris. He's still in a coma.

haha i have 2 laugh

[komodo]

Originally Posted by c1apton

Chuck Norris' penis has a Hemi

[komodo]

http://hallpass.com/media/chucknorris.html

Chuck Norris flash game. NWS for gore though.

[c1apton]

Chuck Norris can speak braille.

Chuck Noris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter"

Chuck Norris, Vin Diesel and Arnold Schwarzenegger have all died and are in Heaven. Each of them hope to occupy the seat next to God. God asks Vin Diesel why he thinks he should have the seat and Vin replies, "I believe... I should have the seat because of the virtuosity in my toughness and pride." Arnie says, "I believe... that I should be the one sitting next to you because of all my achievements." God then turns to Chuck Norris, who replies with, "I believe... you are sitting in my seat."

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.

Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.

Chuck Norris' sperm can penetrate 13 condoms, the birth control pill, a brick wall, and the 1975 Pittsburgh Steelers offensive line in order to impregnate a woman.

Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Chuck Norris got a letter in the mail one day from his "biggest fan" asking for his autograph. This happened to be a woman. Chuck Norris went to her house, fucked her, and then he round house kicked her to the face. Surprisingly, as she died, she gave birth to Vin Diesel.

Chuck Norris invented margarine by singlehandedly spitting and ejaculating at the same time. Popular imitations are secretly known as "I Can't Beleive It's Not Chuck Norris".

Chuck Norris competed in the 1952 Oslo Winter Olympics in the Downhill Skiing event, setting a world record on his way to his 4th straight Gold Medal. Since then, the International Olympic Committee has changed its rules and snake skin cowboy boots are now considered illegal.

When Moses parted the Red Sea, Chuck Norris closed it back up and said, "Not on my time."

Chuck Norris once played an intense game of backgammon against a Mexican Army. The events of this game were recorded in print and have since been called "The Alamo" by several noted historians.

In the game of life, Chuck Norris has the only retired jersey.

Chuck-Norris-phobia is the scientific term for sanity.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

[c1apton]

I just HAD to re-vive this thread since I just came home to an ice storm and a couple of days of f'ing snow -

this thread is still funnier than shit. Guess who's toilet paper?