Go Back   United Bimmer Community - BMW Forum > UnitedBimmer- Off Topic > United Off Topic  **FOR MEMBERS ONLY** > Comedy Collection
FAQ Members List Calendar Advertise With Us Mark Forums Read

Comedy Collection
Post up anything funny you find online here. Could be flash videos, amusing websites, text jokes, anything.

Reply
 
Thread Tools
Old 05-02-2005, 02:34 PM   #1
komodo
 
komodo's Avatar

Name: komodo
Title: Administrator
Status: Offline
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Athens, GA
Rate My Car: 68 / 340
Your Ride: 1995 M3
Funny Flight Announcement

Wouldn't you love to have this attendant on your next flight Thanks to a retired Delta Captain for sending this "paraphrase" of a memorable safety PA (public announcement)from their Flight Attendants. In his own words....

"I was flying to San Francisco from Seattle this weekend, and the flight attendant reading the flight safety information had the whole plane looking at each other like "what the heck?" (Getting Seattle people to look at each other is an accomplishment.) So once we got airborne, I took out my laptop and typed up what she said so I wouldn't forget. I've left out a few parts I'm sure, but this is most of it."

(BEFORE TAKEOFF)

Hello and welcome to Alaska Flight 438 to San Francisco. If you're going to San Francisco, you're in the right place. If you're not going to San Francisco, you're about to have a really long evening. We'd like to tell you now about some important safety features of this aircraft. The most important safety feature we have aboard this plane is ...... The Flight Attendants. Please look at one now.

There are 5 exits aboard this plane: 2 at the front, 2 over the wings, and one out the plane's rear end. If you're seated in one of the exit rows, please do not store your bags by your feet. That would be a really bad idea. Please take a moment and look around and find the nearest exit.

Count the rows of seats between you and the exit. In the event that the need arises to find one, trust me, you'll be glad you did. We have pretty blinking lights on the floor that will blink in the direction of the exits. White ones along the normal rows, and pretty red ones at the exit rows.

In the event of a loss of cabin pressure these baggy things will drop down over your head. You stick it over your nose and mouth like the flight attendant is doing now. The bag won't inflate, but there's oxygen there, I promise. If you are sitting next to a small child, or someone who is acting like a small child, please do us all a favor and put on your mask first. If you are traveling with two or more children, please take a moment now to decide which one is your favorite. Help that one first and then work your way down.

In the seat pocket in front of you is a pamphlet about the safety features of this plane. I usually use it as a fan when I'm having my own personal summer. It makes a very good fan. It also has pretty pictures. Please take it out and play with it now.

Please take a moment now to make sure your seat belts are fastened low and tight about your hips. To fasten the belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle. To release, it's a pulley thing -- not a pushy thing like your car, because you're in an airplane -- HELLO.

There is no smoking in the cabin on this flight. There is also no smoking in the lavatories. If we see smoke coming from the lavatories, we will assume you are on fire and put you out. This is a free service we provide. There are two smoking sections on this flight, one outside each wing exit. We do have a movie in the smoking sections tonight ... hold on, let me check what it is ... Oh here it is ... the movie tonight is "Gone With the Wind."

In a moment we will be turning off the cabin lights, and it's going to get really dark, really fast. If you're afraid of the dark, now would be a good time to reach up and press the yellow button. The yellow button turns on your reading light. Please don't press the orange button unless you absolutely have to. The orange button is your seat ejection button.

We're glad to have you with us on board this flight. Thank you for choosing Alaska Air, and giving us your business and your money. If there's anything we can do to make you more comfortable, please don't hesitate to ask.

If you all weren't strapped down you would have given me a standing ovation, wouldn't you?

(AFTER LANDING)

Welcome to the San Francisco International Airport. Sorry about the bumpy landing. It's not the Captain's fault. It's not the Copilot's fault. It's the Asphalt. Please remain seated until the plane is parked at the gate. At no time in history has a passenger beaten a plane to the gate. So please don't even try.

Also, please be careful opening the overhead bins because "shift happens."
__________________

  Reply With Quote
Old 05-02-2005, 03:25 PM   #2
Rooz

Name: Rooz
Title: Upgraded Member
Status: Offline
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Charlotte, NC
Rate My Car: 5 / 340
Your Ride: 2003 M5
lol, flight attendants like that would make a plane ride seem a all lot shorter + make u pay attention to those safety thigns, I mean, I have been in a good 10-12 planes and never have I payed attention to what they say....
__________________



VIEW MOD LIST & PICS

I am worth $2,010,238 on HumanForSale.com

Quote:
Originally Posted by Gregg
Umnitza now provides a mechanic to install all parts ordered right in the box! It's their new "Total customer service program" that will eliminate all the haters and keep incompetents from breaking **** and blaming the vendor! When you are all set simply call INS and they will pick him up free of charge.
  Reply With Quote
Old 05-02-2005, 03:35 PM   #3
Torque
 
Torque's Avatar

Name: Torque
Title: Lawl.
Status: Offline
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Louisville, KY
User not setup in Rate My Car.
Click here to set it up.
Your Ride: '00 Impreza
HAHAH thats freakin' great.

They should allow me to work with that girl -- I'd be like the stand-up comedian of long flights...
__________________

  Reply With Quote
Old 05-02-2005, 09:23 PM   #4
Spieluhr

Name: Spieluhr
Title: ///M Driven
Status: Offline
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Snohomish, Washington
User not setup in Rate My Car.
Click here to set it up.
agreed, that kind of remark would have everyone paying attention.
__________________

BMW, The Ultimate Driving Machine
  Reply With Quote
Old 05-03-2005, 04:02 PM   #5
Sally

Name: Sally
Title: United Newb
Status: Offline
Join Date: May 2005
User not setup in Rate My Car.
Click here to set it up.
I never have flight attendants like that.
  Reply With Quote
Old 05-03-2005, 06:34 PM   #6
528man

Name: 528man
Title: Senior Member
Status: Offline
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Greensboro, NC 27407-5254
User not setup in Rate My Car.
Click here to set it up.
shes great and it works a hell of alot better than other PA accouncements.
__________________
1997 528i
  Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
not exactly a kill story...just a funny kill warning Chris Kill Stories 15 12-04-2007 02:38 PM
Funny Game nick_318is Comedy Collection
11 02-19-2006 02:26 PM
Funny Pics TJsBimm Comedy Collection
4 01-17-2006 04:00 AM
Funny licence plates DEATH2000 United Off Topic  **FOR MEMBERS ONLY** 11 12-29-2005 10:34 PM
My "Black Man" Halloween outfit! Funny or Offensive (see pics)? delmarco United Off Topic  **FOR MEMBERS ONLY** 10 11-01-2005 07:56 AM


All times are GMT -5. The time now is 08:33 PM.

A vBSkinworks Design

 
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Copyright © 2005-2013 UnitedBimmer.com