Go Back   United Bimmer Community - BMW Forum > UnitedBimmer- Off Topic > United Off Topic  **FOR MEMBERS ONLY** > Comedy Collection
Register FAQ Members List Calendar Advertise With Us Mark Forums Read

Comedy Collection
Post up anything funny you find online here. Could be flash videos, amusing websites, text jokes, anything.

Reply
 
Thread Tools
Old 03-11-2006, 06:17 AM   #1
c1apton
 
c1apton's Avatar

Name: c1apton
Title: Upgraded Member
Status: Offline
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Pompano Beach,Fl /Edina,Mn
Rate My Car: 134 / 340
Your Ride: 93 E34
"Manhood Rules" (Aussie Version)

THE RULES OF MANHOOD


Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.


It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
e. When she is using her teeth


Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed
and eaten by his mates.

Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend
out of jail within 12 hours.


If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off
limits forever, unless you actually marry her.


Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is
forbidden.

Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.


No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another
man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly
optional.


On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the
weakest.


When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may
ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's
playing.


You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought
her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of
flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.


It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're
sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless
supermodel...and it's free.


Only in situations of Moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to
kick another bloke in the nuts.


Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.


Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.


If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.


Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies
until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to
drink as much as the other sports watchers.


A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must
remain sober enough to fight.


Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
pizza, but not both - that's just mean.


If you complement a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking
about his choice of beer.


Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a Mate of yours,
except if she's withholding s*x pending your response.


Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting
weights:

a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!


Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:
Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations,
an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.


Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer
than you are able to have s*x with her. Keep a stopwatch by the
phone. Hang up if necessary.


The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend"
have carnal drunken monkey s*x, the fact that you're feeling weird
and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion
about what a big mistake it was.


It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for
her to drive yours.


Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green,
orange or sky blue.


The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for
Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets a
Playstation 2. End of story.
  Reply With Quote
Old 03-11-2006, 08:16 AM   #2
TJsBimm

Name: TJsBimm
Title: Senior Member
Status: Offline
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: ON Canada
Rate My Car: 224 / 340
Your Ride: 97 328i
Quote : c1apton- You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend"
have carnal drunken monkey s*x, the fact that you're feeling weird
and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion
about what a big mistake it was.

__________________
  Reply With Quote
Old 03-11-2006, 12:16 PM   #3
komodo
 
komodo's Avatar

Name: komodo
Title: Administrator
Status: Offline
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Athens, GA
Rate My Car: 68 / 340
Your Ride: 1995 M3
__________________

  Reply With Quote
Old 03-11-2006, 04:44 PM   #4
Spieluhr

Name: Spieluhr
Title: ///M Driven
Status: Offline
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Snohomish, Washington
User not setup in Rate My Car.
Click here to set it up.
haha, nice. so many of them are true.
__________________

BMW, The Ultimate Driving Machine
  Reply With Quote
Old 03-12-2006, 02:13 AM   #5
DEATH2000
 
DEATH2000's Avatar

Name: DEATH2000
Title: Moderator
Status: Offline
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Calgary, Alberta
Rate My Car: 111 / 340
Your Ride: 1998 E36 328i sedan
Quote:
It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for
her to drive yours.
Thats the best one of them all.
__________________


VIEW MY E36 BLOG HERE

New to United Bimmer? Check out our Introductions and Greetings Section and introduce yourself today!

E36 Bentley Manual PDF download avilable HERE
  Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT -5. The time now is 04:17 PM.

A vBSkinworks Design

 
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Copyright © 2005-2013 UnitedBimmer.com