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Comedy Collection
Post up anything funny you find online here. Could be flash videos, amusing websites, text jokes, anything.

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Old 06-30-2005, 01:11 AM   #1
komodo
 
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Police Officer Quotes

So you thought police officers didn't have a sense of humor....

The following were taken off of actual police car videos around the
country.

#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new.
They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

#14 "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth
certificate a worthless document."

#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12 "Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In
case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9mm
bullet fired from my gun."

#11 "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that
means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

#10 "Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I
don't think it will help. Oh .. did I mention that I am the
shift supervisor?"

#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you
not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether
you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where
you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poo"

#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife
gets a toaster oven."

#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

#4 "Just how big were those two beers?"

#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas
but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

#2 "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend
of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

and the best one .

#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? ......
You're right, we don't. ... Sign here."
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Old 06-30-2005, 09:59 AM   #2
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I need to find some cops with a sense of humour like that.
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Old 06-30-2005, 01:27 PM   #3
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AHAHAHAHAHA OMG i have to send that to my friend, he'll love it
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Old 06-30-2005, 02:33 PM   #4
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I would be tempted to eat a cops ass for smart ass remarks like that. They're funny though as long as they are not said to you.
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Old 06-30-2005, 03:40 PM   #5
devinwwu

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best reply to Officer quote


heard this story about a year ago and thought it was awesome.
Cop pulls over a nice new car goin about 85-90 and comes up to the window to see a 25-30 yr old guy. Cop gets to the car and says "man i've been waiting for you all day!"
Guy turns and says "well i got here as fast as i could..."

story goes that after the cop stopped laughing he let the guy go and said have a nice day

That's the kind of sense of humor i'd like to see!
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Old 06-30-2005, 04:32 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by devinwwu
best reply to Officer quote


heard this story about a year ago and thought it was awesome.
Cop pulls over a nice new car goin about 85-90 and comes up to the window to see a 25-30 yr old guy. Cop gets to the car and says "man i've been waiting for you all day!"
Guy turns and says "well i got here as fast as i could..."

story goes that after the cop stopped laughing he let the guy go and said have a nice day

That's the kind of sense of humor i'd like to see!
That's awesome. hehe

All cops should be required to have a good sense of humor.
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Old 06-30-2005, 06:58 PM   #7
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Those are way too funny!
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Old 06-30-2005, 07:27 PM   #8
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I really like #11. I would use it if I was a cop.
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Old 07-02-2005, 12:00 PM   #9
528man

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haha thats awesome. ive never got pulled but if i do i hope the cop has a good sense of humor
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Old 03-02-2006, 01:21 PM   #10
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haha. i like the cop joke some one posted a while ago

cop turns on his lights to pull a guy over. the guy kinda hesitates, trying to decide if to run or pull over... and after a mile or two , pulls over

cop walks up to the window and says "its the end of my shift and i dont want to stay and do paper work. so if you can give me one good reason why you ran from me and il let you go."

the guy sits there for a minutes, and goes... "well last week my wife ran off with a cop... i was afraid you were trying to give her back"

cop just gets back in his car and drives off laughing
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RSF5
Well yeah, the BATFE is like the Anti Hoppy.
Well hey, hey Mr. Policeman
Bet I can drive faster than you can
Come on Hoss, let's have some fun
Go on shoot me with your radar gun
You look bored and I sure am
Catch me if you can.
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Old 03-02-2006, 01:52 PM   #11
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After 10 Years on the Job...these are the ones from the list I actually used:

#12 "Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In
case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9mm
bullet fired from my gun." (I carried a .40 S&W, so the FPM was faster...but close enough to what I said).

#10 "Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I
don't think it will help. Oh .. did I mention that I am the
shift supervisor?"

#4 "Just how big were those two beers?"

#2 "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend
of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? ......
You're right, we don't. ... Sign here."
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Old 03-02-2006, 02:12 PM   #12
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didnt know we had cops on the forums, question, if you are in a highway where the speed limit is 70 and you clock someone going 180 but after you turn the lights on he stops right away and wait for you, would you take him to jail or let him go with a ticket?
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Old 03-02-2006, 03:53 PM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by e_andres55
didnt know we had cops on the forums, question, if you are in a highway where the speed limit is 70 and you clock someone going 180 but after you turn the lights on he stops right away and wait for you, would you take him to jail or let him go with a ticket?
I've been off the job for almost 10 years now...all I'd say now KEEP DRIVING!

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Old 03-02-2006, 03:56 PM   #14
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^LOL
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Old 03-02-2006, 04:02 PM   #15
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What would you have by the time a 3 minute U turn is done? 9 mile separation?
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