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Comedy Collection
Post up anything funny you find online here. Could be flash videos, amusing websites, text jokes, anything.

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Old 08-13-2005, 01:03 AM   #1
komodo
 
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Name: komodo
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Location: Athens, GA
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Talking Collection of Jokes

A collection of amusing jokes. Some are lame, some are hilarious.

Quote:
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel bulging out of his pants. The bartender sees this and says "Hey, pirate! Did you know you have a steering wheel in your pants?!?"

The pirate says "ARRR! It's driving me nuts!"
Quote:
What was the first thing Adam said to Eve?

"Stand back, baby--I don't know how big this thing gets!"
Quote:
Fearful that their son saw them having sex the mom decided to talk to him. The mom explained, "You know how big daddies belly is, I was sitting on it, trying to flatten it." To that the little boy explained, "Mommy, you're wasting your time, when you go to work, the lady across the street comes and blows it back up!"
Quote:
CIA is testing new recruits ....2 dudes and one lady. They all passed there tests ...there was one last test for them all....Frist dude walks up and the instructor hands him a gun and says "as a test to see if you will follow any order given "here is loaded gun , go in there and shoot your wife"...First dude doesnt even think about it and says "HELL NO"....Instructor fails him ......Second dude gets the gun and is told "your wife is int here go shoot her" ...he goes in but comes out crying "i couldnt do it sir i lov her too much"...so he is sent home...last the lady walks up , instruct says "to see if you will follow any order we give you here is a gun , go in there and shoot your husband"....she marches right in and slams the door behind her .....you hear a scream and 10 shots are fired ..then more screming and pounding , several metallic claings and a few minuted later she walks out clamly covered in sweat and blood....Instarctor walks over and asks her "what happend" ..she said "you gave me f**king blanks so i had to kill him with a chair."
Quote:
The manager in a big supermarket goes to check on his newly employed.

The manager said –how many customers have you sold anything to today?

Employed – one.

Manager – ONE, JUST ONE. What did he buy?

Employed – Well I started to sell him a fishing gear, and then told him how good the fishing is from a boat. So I sold a 20 ft boat to him, of course with a 20 hp outboard engine. The customer didn’t live by a lake so he needed a trailer to.
I told him he couldn’t tow the boat with his small car, so then he bought a SUV to.

The stunned manager – All of this, when he came in to buy a fishing rod.

Employed – No, he came to the store to buy a pack of tampax to his wife, so I said to him. Now when your weekend is ruined, why not go fishing.
Quote:
Jonny gets assigned the homework of finding out the difference between potential and actual.

Once he gets home he asks his father to explain it.

His Dad says,"Son, do you think your mother would have sex with the post man for a million dollars?"

Jonny answers yes.

"Do you think your sister would?"

Again Jonny answers yes.

His father concludes, "So potentially we are sitting on a cool 2 million, but actually we just live with a couple of whores."
Quote:
There was a line waiting to get into Heaven. Right in the middle of the line there were 3 nuns. Person by person the line moved until at last the 3 nuns reached the Gates of Heaven. St.Peter looked at the first nun and Sister in order to get into heaven you have to answer 1 question. The nun said ok, What is the question? St.Peter said: What is the first book of the Bible? The nun said: That is easy it's Genesis. The gates opened up and she was granted entry. As the second nun walked up she was asked by St.Peter: What is the first book of the New Testament? She said oh, that's easy it's Matthew. The gates opened up and she was granted entry. As the third nun walked up St.Peter asked her: What was the first thing Eve said when she saw Adam for the first time? The nun thought about it for a while and couldn't come up with an answer so she said: Umm that's a hard one. The gates opened up and she was granted entry.
Quote:
An aging couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it might be time for marriage. But before tying the knot, they went out for a heart to heart talk over dinner about whether it would really work out. They discussed finances, living arrangements, snoring, and so on. Finally, the gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly. "Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say that I would like it infrequently. " The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then looking over his glasses, he casually asked, "Was that one word or two?"
Quote:
One day the Pope became very ill. All the cardinals gathered in the Vatican to pray for him and brought with them the best doctor in the world. The doctor examined him for some time and when finished told the Cardinals of the Pope's condition.

"I have some Bad news and some Good news." The doctor said "The Bad news is the Pope has a very rare and very deadly desease. The good news is it can be cured with sex."

The Cardinals didn't take the news very well. They didn't want the Pope to die but they knew he took an oath of celebacy. They decided to tell the Pope and have him decide.

After telling the Pope his condition and the only way to cure it the Pope asked the Cardinals to leave the room for ten minutes while he thought about it. The Cardinals left and ten minutes returned for the Pope's answer.

"I've decided that for the sake of the church it is better if I were to live." The Pope said "I will have sex but we must keep it a secret."

"What kind of woman shall we get your Holiness" One of the Cardinals said.

"I have four requirments for the woman. First she must be blind so that she cannot see who she is having sex with." said the Pope.

"Good idea." a Cardinal said.

"Secondly she must be deaf so that she cannot overhear who she is having sex with." the Pope continued.

"Makes sense" another Cardinal said.

"Thirdly she must be mute so if by some chance she finds out who she is having sex with she can't tell anyone."

"Alright. And whats the last requirment?" a Cardinal asked.

The Pope replied "Big tits!"
Quote:
My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year when we decided
to get married. My parents helped us in every way, and my friends
encouraged me. My girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one
thing bothering me.

That one thing was her younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight
miniskirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when
near me, and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister calls and asked me to come over to check the
wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to
me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires
for me that she could not overcome and did not really want to
overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once
before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

I was in total shock and could not say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go
ahead with it just come up and get me."

I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the
stairs. When she reached the top, she pulled down her panties and
threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then
turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and
stepped out of the house and walked straight toward my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes,
he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our
little test. We could not ask for a better man for our daughter.
Welcome to the family!"

The moral of this story is.....

Always keep your condoms in your car!
Quote:
After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery
presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would
like the "worlds best beer" a Corona
The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to
him
The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the
world, give me "The King Of Beers, a Budweiser"
The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with
Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors."
He gets it.
The guy from Molson sits down and says, "Give me a Coke."
The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what
he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and
ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Molson's?"
The Molson's president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys
aren't drinking beer, neither would I.
Quote:
Last week my wife and I purchased a new computer. We ran into some difficulties while setting it up so we decided to call the customer support phone number we found in the manual.

I picked up the phone and called the number. A man answered the phone and I explained the problem to him.

He began rattling off computer jargon. This confused us even more.

"Sir," I said politely, "Can you explain what I should do as if I were a small child?"

"Okay," the computer support guy said, "Son, could you please put your mommy on the phone?"
Quote:
How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path

How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It

What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!

What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too long?
Polaroids

What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick

What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese

What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses

What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quatro Sinko

Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him

Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers

Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog

What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka

What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag

Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
Quote:
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely; but we are a little puzzled. We checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is - why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blond replies....."Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
Quote:
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father." The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall." Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?" "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father." The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
Quote:
A Woman, Calling A Local Hospital,
Said, "hello, I'd Like To Talk To The Person Who Gives The Information Regarding Your Patients.
I'd Like To Find Out If The Patient Is Getting Better, Doing As Expected Or Is Getting Worse."
The Voice On The Other End Of The Line Said,
"what Is The Patients Name And Room Number?"
She Said, "sara Finkle, In Room 302."
"i Will Connect You With The Nursing Station."
"3-a Nursing Station. How Can I Help You?"
"i Would Like To Know The Condition Of Sara Finkle In Room 302."
"just A Moment. Let Me Look At Her Records.
Oh Yes, Mrs. Finkle Is Doing Very Well. In Fact She's Had Two Full Meals,
Her Blood Pressure Is Fine
And Her Blood Work Just Came Back As Normal. She's Going To Be Taken Off The Heart Monitor In A Couple Of Hours And If She Continues This Improvement. Dr. Cohen Is Going To Send Her Home Tuesday At Twelve O' Clock."
The Woman Said," Thank God!
That's Wonderful"
Oh! That's Fantastic.
That's Wonderful News! "
The Nurse Said," From Your Enthusiasm, I Take It You Must Be A Close Family Member Or A Very Close Friend!"

"Not exactly, I Am Sarah Finkel In Room 302!
And Nobody Here Tells Me Anything!"
Quote:
A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. The classroom became a bit unruly and he admonished them. This happened several times.

When he could do work at his desk, the strong breeze from the window made his tie flap annoyingly. He kept rearranging and rearranging the tie as the class raised it's level of unruliness.

Finally, becoming disgusted with the wayward tie, he stood up and took a big stapler off his desk and stapled the tie to his chest in several places.

Discipline was not a problem from that day on.
Quote:
A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."
Quote:
A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home.
Quote:
You Know You're Out Of College When...

1. Your salary is less than your tuition.

2. Your potted plants stay alive.

3. Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.

4. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

5. You have to pay your own credit card bill.

6. Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal.

7. You haven't seen a soap opera in over a year.

8. 8:00a.m. is not early.

9. You have to file for your own taxes.

10. You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.

11. You're not carded anymore.

12. You carry an umbrella.

13. You learn that "Bachelor" is a nicer term for a jackass.

14. "Extended childhood" only really pertains to your salary, which is a little less than your allowance used to be.

15. "Twenty-something" means over-qualified, under-paid, and not married.

16. Your friends marry instead of hook-up, and divorce instead of break-up.

17. You start watching the weather channel.

18. Jeans and baseball caps aren't staples in your wardrobe.

19. You can no longer take shots, and smoking gives you a sinus attack.

20. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.

21. You stop confusing 401K plan with 10K run.

22. You go to parties that the police don't raid.

23. Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex in front of you.

24. You don't know what time Wendy's closes anymore.

25. Your car insurance goes down.

26. You refer to college students as kids.
Quote:
A Son's Love

An old man lived alone in Ireland. He wanted to dig his potato garden, but it was very hard work.

His only son, who would have helped him, was in prison for bank robbery.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament.

Shortly, he received this reply,
"For HEAVEN'S SAKE Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the Money!"

At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen policemen showed up and dug up the entire garden, without finding any money.

Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asking him what to do next.

His son's reply was: "Now plant your potatoes, Dad. It's the best I could do from here."
Quote:
Things that make you go, "Hmmm....."

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?

Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
Quote:
God vs Satan

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And Satan created McDonald's, and McDonald's brought forth the $3.20 double-cheeseburger, and Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?", and Man said, "Super size them."

And Man gained pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that Woman might keep her figure that Man found so fair.

And Satan froze the yogurt, and he brought forth chocolate, nuts and brightly colored sprinkle candy to put on the yogurt.

And Woman gained pounds.

And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."

And Satan brought forth creamy dressings, bacon bits, and shredded cheese, and there was ice cream for dessert.

And Woman gained pounds.

And God said, "I have sent you heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."

And Satan brought forth chicken- fried steak so big it needed its own platter.

And Man gained pounds, and his cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes, and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.

And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to work to change channels.

And Man gained pounds.

And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil."

And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fat fried them. He created sour cream dip also, and Man clutched his remote control, and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.

And Satan saw that and said, "It is good."

And Man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery...

And Satan created private health insurance ....
Quote:
Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train.

The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all).

When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding.

He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
Quote:
Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?

Fo drizzle.


What did 50 Cent say to his grandma?

Gee, you knit.
Quote:
Couldn't biblical characters be recruited as high-tech promoters? Consider the following tech advocates and their ad slogans:

10. Noah for Match.com: We can find a mate for anything. Why not you?

9. Moses for the Excedrin Headache Resource Center (Excedrin.com): Take two tablets and call me in the morning.

8. The dove for UPS.com: Guaranteed delivery in 40 days and 40 nights.

7. Adam and Eve for Dell: No Apples for us. We've learned the hard way.

6. Solomon for Microsoft: Don't cut the baby in half.

5. Joseph for Nikon Coolpix: Only Nikon can capture the 36-bit color of my megapixel dreamcoat.

4. Methuselah for AARP.org: Life begins at 960.

3. John the Baptist for DunkinDonuts.com: You'll be head over heels for our new Munchkin platter.

2. Pharaoh for Symantec: If only we'd had Norton AntiPlague 2002 in 2002...B.C.E.

1. Job for Nasdaq: 'Nuff said.
Quote:
An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.

"Well," said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $50, we could return to the earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here."

"That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?"

"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his."
Quote:
George Carlin Strikes Again

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?

4. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

6. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

7. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in . . . what happens to the other penny?

8. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

10. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

11. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

12. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

13. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

14. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

15. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

16. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

17. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

18. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

19. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

20. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . they're cramming for their final exam.

21. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

22. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

23. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

24. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

25. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

26. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

27. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

28. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
Quote:
Questions Kids Ask

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

What WAS the best thing before sliced bread?

What would chairs look like if our knees bent the other way?

If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

If you cross a four leaf clover with poison ivy, would you get a rash of good luck?

If a no-armed man has a gun, is he armed?

If you got into a taxi and the driver starts driving backwards, does she/he owe you money?

If con is the opposite of pro, then is Congress the opposite of progress?

If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?
Quote:
If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
Quote:
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.
Quote:
It is said that a American Journalist once asked Mohandas Ghandi a question . The American jouranlist asked Ghandi, "What is your opinion of American civilization"?

Ghandi smiled and replied to the American journalist, "I think it would be an excellent idea".
Quote:
A British doctor says: The medicine in my country is so advanced that we can remove the brain of a man, put it in another man and make him get a job in six weeks.

A German doctor says: That is nothing. We can remove the brain of a person, put it in another one and prepare him for war in four weeks.

An American doctor, not to be surpassed, says: Friends, both of
you are outdated. Recently we identified a man without a brain from Texas and placed him in the White House. Now we have half the country looking for a job and the other half preparing for war!
Quote:
On the sixth day God turned to Archangel Gabriel and said: "Today I am going to create a land called Canada, it will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains full of mountain goats and eagles, beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs over-looking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon."

God continued, "I shall make the land rich in oil so as to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, and they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth."

"But Lord," asked Gabriel, "don't you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?"

"Not really," replied God, "just wait and see the neighbours I am going to give them."
Quote:
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Tennessee to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!
Quote:
A Mexican, an American, and a Canadian are traveling in the Amazon, and they get captured.

The head of the tribe says to the Mexican, "What do you want on your back for your whipping?"

The Mexican responds, "I will take oil!" So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him ten times.

When he is finished the Mexican has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move.

The Amazons haul the Mexican away, and say to the Canadian, "What do you want on your back?"

"I will take nothing!" says the Canadian, and he stands there straight and takes his ten lashings without a single flinch.

"What will you take on your back?" the Amazons ask the American. He responds, "I'll take the Canadian."
Quote:
A Frenchman, a Canadian and an American are in a car driving in the desert, and the car breaks down. They all decide they will each go their seperate ways and take something from the car. The Frenchman says, "I'll take the water so that when I get thirsty I can have a drink." The Canadian says, "I'll take the seat so that when I get tired, I have a comfortable place to sleep." Finally, not knowing what to do, the American says "I'll take the door with me so that when it gets really hot out, I can roll the window down."
Quote:
A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years.

One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how should she let him know when the baby was born.

To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.

Some months later, upon coming home, his confused wife greeted him with:
"Honey, you received a very strange post card today."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it " he said. The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:
"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Two with meatballs, one without."
Quote:
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING FRENCH
1. When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay.
2. Experience the joy of winning the world cup (soccer for americans) for the first time.
3. You get to eat insect food like snails and frog's legs.
4. If there's a war you can surrender really early.
5. You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night films on TV.
6. You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people's countries.
7. You can be ugly and still become a famous film star.
8. Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street humiliating your sense of national pride.
9. You don't have to bother with toilets, just shit in the street.
10. People think you're a great lover even when you're not.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AMERICAN
1. You can have a woman president without electing her.
2. You can spell colour wrong and get away with it.
3. You can call Budweiser beer.
4. You can be a crook and still be president.
5. If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything.
6. If you can breathe you can get a gun.
7. You get to be really obese.
8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care.
9. You get to call everyone you've never met "buddy"
10. You can think you're the greatest nation on earth.
10a. When you're not.
10b. At all.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ENGLISH
1. Two World Wars and One World Cup doo-dah doo-dah.
2. Proper beer.
3. You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket.
4. You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events.
5. Union jack underpants.
6. Water shortages guaranteed every single summer.
7. You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power.
8. Bathing once a week-whether you need to or not.
9. Ditto changing underwear.
10. Beats being Welsh.
10a. Or Scottish.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ITALIAN
1. In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes.
2. Unembarrassed to wear fur.
3. No need to worry about tax returns.
4. Glorious military history prior to 400 a.d.
5. Can wear sunglasses inside and at night.
6. Political stability.
7. Flexible working hours.
8. Live near the Pope.
9. Can spend hours braiding girlfriend's armpit hair.
10. Country run by Sicilian murderers.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SPANISH
1. Glorious history of killing South American tribes.
2. The rest of Europe thinks Africa begins at the Pyrenees.
3. You get your beaches invaded by Germans, Danes, Brits etc.
4. The rest of your country is already invaded by Moroccans.
5. Everybody else makes crap paella and claims it's the real thing.
6. Honesty.
7. Only sure way of bedding a woman is to dress up in stupid, tight clothes and risk your life in front of bulls.
8. You get to eat bulls' testicles.
9. Gibraltar.
10. Supported Argentina in Falklands War.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING GERMAN
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING INDIAN
1. Chicken Madras.
2. Lamb Passanda.
3. Onion Bhaji.
4. Bombay Potato.
5. Chicken Tikka Masala.
6. Rogan Josh.
7. Popadoms.
8. Chicken Dopiaza.
9. Meat Boona.
10. Kingfisher lager.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING WELSH
1. You've got to be having a laugh, haven't you?

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING IRISH
1. Guinness.
2. 18 children because you can't use contraceptives.
3. You can get into a fight just by marching down someone's road.
4. Pubs never close.
5. Can use Papal edicts on contraception passed in the second Vatican Council of 1968 to persuade your girlfriend that you can't have sex with a condom on.
6. No one can ever remember the night before.
7. Kill people you don't agree with.
8. Stew.
9. More Guinness.
10. Eating stew and drinking Guinness in an Irish pub at 3 in the morning after a bout of sectarian violence.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SCOTTISH
1. Braveheart.
2. Highlander.
3. Whiskey.
4. Independence from England.
5. North Sea oil.
6. Hagus.
7. 2am closing for pubs.
8. You can talk freely in any English speaking country and no one will understand a word you are saying.
9. All Americans think they're related to you.
10. When you go out to the pub you always come home with more money than you left with.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING CANADIAN
1. It beats being an American.
2. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
3. You can play hockey 12 months a year, outdoors.
4. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
5. Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?
6. A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity ratings will rise.
7. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
8. Kill Grizzly bears with huge shotguns and cover your house in their skins.
9. Own-an-Eskimo scheme.
10. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AUSTRALIAN
1. Know your great-grand-dad was a murdering bastard that no civilized nation on earth wanted.
2. Victoria Bitter.
3. Dispossess Aborigines who have lived in your country for 40,000 years because you think it belongs to you.
4. Cricket captain not afraid to cry live on TV.
5. Tact and sensitivity.
6. Bondi Beach.
7. Other beaches.
8. Liberated attitude to homosexuals.
9. Drinking cold lager on the beach.
10. Having a bit of a swim and then drink some cold lager on the beach.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING A NEW ZEALANDER
1. You know your great grand dad escaped from England.
2. If you're really really desperate you can go back to England.
3. You live in a country commonly referred to as "God's Own."
4. Home to the winner of the BEST SAUVIGNON BLANC IN THE WORLD 1999.
5. The Americans and French don't know where it is!!
6. Nuclear free.
7. The only country in the world that is trying to repay the original people for the things the settlers stole.
8. Beaches and beaches with cold lager but without the sharks and jellyfish of Aussie.
9. You win more Olympic gold medals than England at the last Olympics even though you only have 4 Million people.
10. You get to do a little dance before all national sporting events.
10a. Australians live far enough away that you don't have to see them unless you want to go for a 'surfing on the dole' holiday.
Quote:
a doctor,priest and a laywer are shipwrecked on a small island.
they can see another island off in the distance but fear they can not swim
that far and of course there are the sharks.
as day's turn into weeks the doctor decides to try it.
a coast guard boat several miles away spot them but have no way to signal them.
they watch in horror as the docter swims and is eaten by great white sharks.
the preist is next to try with the same results.
the lawyer goes last and the sharks swim away from him.
the coast guard finally picks the lawyer up and quetions how he manage that feat.
he replied "professional courtesy".

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Old 08-13-2005, 01:17 AM   #2
komodo
 
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And if you reply to one, make sure you quote the joke you're replying to.
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Old 08-13-2005, 01:43 AM   #3
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well, id say dump the list about god vs satan, thats just gay. and im kinda drunk so that means a lot. hell i found myself cracking up at "stella" on comedy central

that and the politcal bit about bush... face it, you lost, he won. and in the end, turns out his grades were better than kerry
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Think box wine is great; eagerly awaiting box whiskey.

Quote:
Originally Posted by RSF5
Well yeah, the BATFE is like the Anti Hoppy.
Well hey, hey Mr. Policeman
Bet I can drive faster than you can
Come on Hoss, let's have some fun
Go on shoot me with your radar gun
You look bored and I sure am
Catch me if you can.
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Old 08-13-2005, 01:49 AM   #4
Hoppy
 
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also the whole top 10 for being ( nationality) sucks, have you ev er drank british beer? its piss warm, and canadian whiskey sucks bourbon kicks its ass any day of the week.... that is all
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Think box wine is great; eagerly awaiting box whiskey.

Quote:
Originally Posted by RSF5
Well yeah, the BATFE is like the Anti Hoppy.
Well hey, hey Mr. Policeman
Bet I can drive faster than you can
Come on Hoss, let's have some fun
Go on shoot me with your radar gun
You look bored and I sure am
Catch me if you can.
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