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Comedy Collection
Post up anything funny you find online here. Could be flash videos, amusing websites, text jokes, anything.

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Unread 11-13-2007, 06:54 PM   #1
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Air Traffic controllers

The last two are the best ones.

Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers:

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

************************************************** **************************
Tower: " US Air 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
US Air 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 757?"

************************************************** **************************
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329 Heavy: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this..United 329 Heavy I've got the little Fokker in sight."

************************************************** **************************
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

************************************************** **************************
A DC-10 had come in a little fast and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right
turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Main St exit off Highway 101, make a right at the traffic lights and return to the airport."

************************************************** **************************
A British Air 767 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): " Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English"
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany...why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"

************************************************** **************************
Tower: "Hawaiian Air 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Hawaiian Air 702: "Tower, Hawaiian Air 702 switching to Departure. By the way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: " Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Hawaiian Air 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Hawaiian Air 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635 Heavy, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Hawaiian Air...we've already notified our caterers."

************************************************** **************************
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

************************************************** **************************
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, radio call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! Clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."

************************************************** **************************
While taxiing at London 's Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 767. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his >microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
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Unread 11-15-2007, 09:25 AM   #2
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classic... exept the FIA one (Frankfurt International Airport)... they're a private airport, but the service is exeptional...
anyways, they're always busy, it's I think the most frequentet airport in Europe exept maybe for London, so I could imagine them being impatient or w/e...
anyways, classic....
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