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Comedy Collection
Post up anything funny you find online here. Could be flash videos, amusing websites, text jokes, anything.

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Old 06-10-2007, 03:07 PM   #1
stevo

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personal call

talk about spoiling your fun......


www.jokesgallery.com/joke.php?joke=4475&id=1
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Old 06-10-2007, 03:09 PM   #2
stevo

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the confession

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."

"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.

"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.

"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.

"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"
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Old 06-10-2007, 03:13 PM   #3
stevo

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mr cadbury....

Mr Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a Double Decker,
it was After Eight. She was from Quality Street , he
was a Fisherman's Friend. On the way they stopped at a
Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum and Butter, she had a
Wine Gum.

He asked her name, "I'm Polo, the one with the hole"
she said."mmmm ...I'm the one with the nuts," he
thought! Then he touched her Milky Way.
>
> They checked in to a hotel, and went straight to the
> bedroom. Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of
> Black Magic. It wasn't long before he slipped his hand
> into her Snickers and felt her Cream Egg. He
> fondled her Flap Jacks then he showed her his Curly
> Wurly and Tic Tacs.
>
> Miss Rowntree wasn't keen to have any Jelly Babies, so
> she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard via
> her Party Ring. He was quite pleased as he always
> fancied a bit of Fudge. It was a magic moment as she
> let out a scream of Turkish Delight.
>
> When he pulled out,his fun size Mars Bar felt a bit
> Crunchie. She wanted more, but he needed Time Out,
> however, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very
> appetizing. He did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her
> Sherbet Dip and finished off by giving her a Gob
> Stopper!
>
>
> Unfortunately, Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his
> wife, Caramel. Sadly he was soon to discover he had
> VD. It turned out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie
> Basset who apparently had Allsorts!!!
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Old 06-11-2007, 12:52 PM   #4
stevo

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7 Reasons Not To Mess With Children

7 REASONS NOT TO MESS WITH CHILDREN



1.
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

2.
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

3.
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honour" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

4.
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

5.
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead. "

6.
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted,
"Cause your feet ain't empty."

7.
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.
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