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Comedy Collection
Post up anything funny you find online here. Could be flash videos, amusing websites, text jokes, anything.

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Old 06-04-2007, 02:17 AM   #16
RSF5
 
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ha
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Old 06-04-2007, 06:51 AM   #17
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Good one. I need to give the "folding Bucket" as a gift to someone over here at work................
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Old 06-04-2007, 09:35 AM   #18
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dude where are you getting these?
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Old 06-04-2007, 03:09 PM   #19
stevo

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Quote:
Originally Posted by RSF5
dude where are you getting these?
I steal them...........from other websites
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Old 06-05-2007, 12:37 PM   #20
stevo

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the cinema date

An elderly and not overly smart man took his very much younger date to see a movie.
Instead of watching the movie though, they are kissing, hugging and fondling each other.
As things are getting more heated by the moment the man's very expensive toupee gets knocked off.
Of course, right away he starts trying to find it and in the dark, his
hand accidentally gets in under his date's dress.
She, feeling quite aroused by all the kissing and such, breathes into
his ear "That's it........that's it!". The man thinks for a second and
then replies,
"Hell, it couldn't be! I had mine parted on the side! "
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Old 06-05-2007, 01:45 PM   #21
stevo

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the old rooster

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for
his chicken coop.
The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,
"OK old fart, time for you to retire."
The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of
these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"
The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over."
The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets
the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."
The young rooster laughs.
"You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start."
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They run round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.
He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,
"Darn.....third gay rooster I bought this month."

Moral of this story? .
Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age, skill, and treachery will always
overcome youth and arrogance!
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Old 06-05-2007, 01:49 PM   #22
stevo

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cancel your credit card BEFORE you die

THIS IS WICKED - Too funny and too true!!!]



Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. This is so
priceless, and so, so easy to see happening, customer service being what
it is today .



A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and
March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added
late fees and interest on the monthly charge.

The balance had been $0.00, now somewhere around $60.00. A family
member placed a call to Citibank. Here is the exchange:

Family Member: "I am calling to tell you she died in January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."

Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

Citibank: "Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"

Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?" (I really liked this part!!!!)

Citibank: "Excuse me?"

Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?"

Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor." (Duh!)


Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and late fees and
charges still apply." (This must be a phrase taught by the bank!)

Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

Citibank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"

Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)

Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Family Member: "Sure." (Fax number is given)


After they get the fax:

Citibank: "Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."

Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."

Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."(What is wrong with these people?!?)

Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"

Citibank: "That might help."

Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number
69."

Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?



Priceless!!
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Old 06-05-2007, 01:52 PM   #23
stevo

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the genie

A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologise and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.

A large West African man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh yes, sir. We are so sorry about that," the husband replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said.
He pondered a moment and blurted out "I'd like a million pound a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life. And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, "What's your wish, genie?"
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said,"Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune and all those houses. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.

After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

"We're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"No sh*t !!!" he said, "Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?!?"
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Old 06-05-2007, 01:55 PM   #24
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That is just that, priceless
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Old 06-05-2007, 01:56 PM   #25
stevo

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the old couple

An elderly couple are enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you.

"Yes," she says, I remember it well.

"Ok," he says, "How about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old time's sake.

"Oooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.

They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.

The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in.

Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes!

She's yelling, "Ohhh, God!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life.

This is the most athletic sex imaginable.

Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, still watching thinks, that was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is.

As the couple pass, he says to them, "That was something else. You must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"


The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
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Old 06-05-2007, 01:57 PM   #26
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A great one!
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Old 06-05-2007, 01:59 PM   #27
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Old 06-05-2007, 02:20 PM   #28
RSF5
 
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Dude can a mod put all of these into one thread?
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Old 06-05-2007, 02:20 PM   #29
stevo

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Quote:
Originally Posted by RSF5
Dude can a mod put all of these into one thread?
sure why not
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Old 06-05-2007, 02:34 PM   #30
stevo

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another blonde joke

A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his way
to a bar stool and
orders some coffee. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter,
Hey, you wanna hear
a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep husky voice, the
woman next to him
says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair -- given that
you are blind --that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. Blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,

"No. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
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