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Comedy Collection
Post up anything funny you find online here. Could be flash videos, amusing websites, text jokes, anything.

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Old 06-03-2007, 04:05 PM   #1
stevo

Name: stevo
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quick one liners

This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a
turtle disaster.

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin"? I said, "No, permanent."

I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, "That's Aboriginal."

Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best Before End'

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"


I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.

The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"

This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The policecame and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."

I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type." Then I said "Can I borrow Batman Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"
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Old 06-03-2007, 04:10 PM   #2
stevo

Name: stevo
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the poem

A man making the bar scene, was fairly intoxicated when he went into a popular night spot. The bartender refused to serve him and told him he should go home.

Man : My wife will kill me.
Bartender : Take her some candy.
Man : She is on a diet.
Bartender : Take her some flowers.
Man : She has allergies.
Bartender : Tell her a poem.
Man : She loves poems… But I don’t know any.
Bartender : Here is one for you. The Bartender recites:
YOU BABYLONIAN WITCH
BLUE EYES AND RUBY LIPS
BENEATH THINE EYES PASSION LIES
AND THAT’S WHAT MAKES MY PASSION RISE
-”Shakespeare”
Man : I can handle that. So walking home the man was reciting to
himself the poem. When he gets home he is unable to find his keys. So he knocks on the door.
Wife : You better not have been drinking!
Man : Sweetness, I have a poem for you!
Wife : It had better be good.
The man starts to recite the poem…
YOU BABYLONIAN BITCH
BLUE EYES AND PURPLE TITS.
BETWEEN YOUR THIGHS A PUSSY LIES
AND THAT’S WHAT MAKES MY PECKER RISE.
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Old 06-03-2007, 04:13 PM   #3
stevo

Name: stevo
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the wall

Three blokes - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and an Aussie
engineer were all working together one day when they come across a
lantern and a Genie popped out of it. "I will give each of you one
wish, which is three wishes in total" said the Genie.

The Canadian said, "I am a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want
the land to be forever fertile in Canada." POOOOFF! With the blink of
the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

Osama bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around
Afghanistan, Israel, Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels,
Americans or Australians can come into our precious state."
POOOFF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall
around those countries.

The Aussie Engineer said: "I am very curious. Please tell me more about
this wall."

The Genie explained, "Well, it's about 5000 feet high, 500 feet thick
and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out - it's
virtually impenetrable."

The Aussie engineer sat down, cracked open a beer, smiled and said,

"Fill it with water".........
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Old 06-03-2007, 04:14 PM   #4
stevo

Name: stevo
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aliens land in texas

Two aliens landed in a West Texas desert near an abandoned petrol station. They approached one of the petrol pumps very cautiously and one of the aliens said,"Greetings earthling,we come in peace,take us to your leader.
The petrol pump of course didn't respond. The alien repeated his demand and still no response.
The alien,then well and truly pissed off at this rebuff drew his ray gun
And said,"Greetings earthling,we come in peace. How dare you ignore us this way, now take us to your leader or I will fire". The other alien said " No you don't want to make him mad" but before he could finish the other alien fired.
There was a huge explosion that blew them both 200 meters into the desert,where they landed in a heap. When they finally regained consciousness the one who fired turned to the other and said. "What a ferocious creature,it damn near killed us. How did you know it was dangerous" the other one answered " If there is one thing I have learned in my travels through the galaxy,is, if any man can wrap his dick around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, is someone you don't mess with.
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Old 06-03-2007, 04:18 PM   #5
stevo

Name: stevo
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the barber

A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before
I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About
2 hours." The guy left.
A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked,
How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours."
The guy left.
A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How
long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and
half."
The guy left.
The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favour.
Follow that guy and see where he goes.
He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he
doesn't ever come back."
A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing
hysterically.
The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"
Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said,........
"Your house."
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Old 06-03-2007, 04:21 PM   #6
stevo

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patent pending

I went to the Patent Office trying to register some of my inventions.

I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form that had to be filled out. She wrote down my personal info and then asked me what I had invented.

I said, "A folding bottle."

She said, "Okay, what do you call it?"

"A Fottle."


"What else do you have?"

"A folding carton." "What do you call it?"

"A Farton."


She snickered and said, "Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds kind of crude."

I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket.
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Old 06-03-2007, 04:44 PM   #7
CAPiTUL
 
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hehehe. stupid. lol
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When I was a kid, we had the Atari 2600 with games like Space Invaders and Asteroids! There were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! .... Just like LIFE!

http://www.aftermarketcity.net/forum/
The BEST online directory for your car needs!

ユナイテドビーマーはいいですよ!
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Old 06-03-2007, 05:34 PM   #8
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Your Ride: 89 325i 5 speed
Hahaha!
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Old 06-03-2007, 05:37 PM   #9
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Old 06-03-2007, 05:55 PM   #10
Dudesky

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Oh snap
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Old 06-03-2007, 06:06 PM   #11
CAPiTUL
 
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__________________
When I was a kid, we had the Atari 2600 with games like Space Invaders and Asteroids! There were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! .... Just like LIFE!

http://www.aftermarketcity.net/forum/
The BEST online directory for your car needs!

ユナイテドビーマーはいいですよ!
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Old 06-03-2007, 06:55 PM   #12
Dr1ve4fun

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nice..
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Old 06-03-2007, 10:40 PM   #13
Kasei
 
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I've heard this, except it was Putin(however you spell it) and bush, bush fills it with water
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Old 06-03-2007, 10:57 PM   #14
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hahaha
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Old 06-04-2007, 12:41 AM   #15
drz

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haha
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