Long, but amusing.
This is from craigslist.
Ruthie - You were my first and you said I was yours(?). It was thrilling probably because it was new. Truth be told, I never would date you today. You are smart, but very needy. I don’t know why I still stay in touch with you.
Claire Bear - You were very unattractive, but your sister was cute. And yet I chose to sleep with you. A pattern was starting to develop. Sorry if I caused a problem between the two of you. Hope things turned out OK.
Barbara - My first slut. How many guys in the dorm did you do? Don’t get me wrong, you were great in bed, but it was a little unnerving every week seeing a different guy coming out of your room. You were smart and sassy - you should have respected yourself more. But thanks for the great Bjs.
Mrs. Horn - I don’t even know your first name. But I don’t feel badly because I don’t think you even knew you slept with me after that New Year’s Eve party, you were so drunk Although you did insist I cum inside you. You know something funny, I ran into you a few years ago. I saw you down by the waterfront with your husband. I started chatting with you but you didn’t recognize me. You just thought I was a kind stranger. You’re screwed up. There are laws out there you know. I regret the sex even if you don’t. Guess I’ve changed a lot since I was 17.
Judy - You were very unattractive. I slept with you because I thought that’s the best I deserved. I see now that I was lacking in self esteem. But still, you smelled wonderful and I think you are a good person. You could lose some weight, but it wouldn’t really matter because you would still be ugly. Sorry about pissing in your mouth. I liked it, but I don’t think you did.
Kathy - My fellow lab intern. You met me one day and came on to me. You asked me over for dinner and we fucked. Can I tell you the truth, it was like a Seinfeld episode - I didn’t know your name. Yeah, you told me that afternoon, but I had forgotten. I had to check your time card the next morning in the lab. The sex was uneventful. I think you just wanted to betray some boyfriend. I didn’t really care.
Allison - You are one weird chick. You are the shyest person I’ve ever met. Kinda odd seeing that your father is such a well-known bigshot. I don’t think you are a bad person, but so socially awkward. You need to read a romance novel or rent a sexy movie or something. You know, it’s OK to move while having sex. I got the sense you stayed so still because you didn’t want me to notice I was fucking you, for fear that I’d run out of the room. I dunno, maybe I would have. You’re academically very smart, now apply those brains to your personal life and stay away from people like me.
Julia - I could write a book on you, but no one would believe it. You were filled with conflict. You were an anorexic who became fat. You were brilliant, yet flunking out of Grad School. You were a lesbian sleeping with a man. Oh, you so hated men and tortured them in much the same way that I began to realize that I hated women. Was that our bond? Anyway, the dialog was incredible - Art History, Mathematics, speaking French all the time. The sex was incredible too. You taught me everything. Unfortunately I later found out that you were teaching the whole dorm everything. Great sex, but such a bad person. Ug, the number of times I spontaneously showed up at your room, only to find your diaphragm was already in place. Yeah right: “I thought you might come over.” Can you tell me how many times I ate your pussy after a guy had creamed in it 2 hours earlier?
Carolyn - You were so vulnerable. You would do anything to have a man in your life. You needed more self worth. Why would you sleep with me knowing Julia was in the room next door? Why did you let me finger you under the table knowing my girlfriend was sitting across from us. Yeah, I was beginning to realize what a dog I was, but you still allowed me to get away with it. All these years later, I looked you up on the interent and found you live with your mother. Time’s ticking. You gotta start standing up for yourself. BTW, the sex was terrible!
Kathryn - What God sent you to me? I was a rat-assed, foul smelling dog. And you came along and believed in me. You were a virgin. You were the Valedictorian. You were such a skilled debater and writer. Sex with you started a little slow, but boy were you a good learner. I should have married you back then. I blew it. All my fault. As you could see from my history, I had a little problem respecting women. The undergrad psych major in you pointed to my mother. I think the scientific term you used was “psycho bitch”. I’m so sorry Kathryn that you got to see all that family stuff. You were the one. And I let you go. I know you still care about me because you’ll always call me on my birthday to wish me well. Last time, I heard you lie to your husband, telling him it was your brother on the phone. Thank you.
Anne - You were Kathryn’s best friend since you were both 10 years old. Why would you let me seduce you? Yes, I take most of the responsibility, but why would you constantly come over and tell Kathryn all the sordid details about how you were cheating on your husband - all the details except the part where you were doing all this cheating with me, Kathryn’s fiancee. You’re as twisted as me. Think about that. In the evenings, after you were gone, Kathryn would excitedly retell the story of your naughty adventures that day. But she didn’t know the punchline, that the male in the story was her own boyfriend. Shakespeare couldn’t have come up with a more ingenious plot twist. BTW, the sex with you was the best ever. The dirty things you would say still make me come today. You are brilliant. Sick, but brilliant.
Katie - You were a receptionist from Queens that I picked up at McSorelys. I was so angry that day. And just wanted to fuck somebody. You should really consider choosing better sex partners.
Polly - I’m just not ready to say anything here. I’ll give this one sentence and then move on. You are my s****r and that should never have happened.
Roberta - You are low-life trailer trash, but with a sparkly edge. If you had been born into privilege, you would have gone to Harvard and become a bigshot CEO. I hope good things happen to you. BTW, I still fantasize about that night we had sex in front of your friends. Wow!
Tammy - All summer long you kept making a dumb joke about how the Hampton’s rule book says you must wait until after Labor Day. So the day after Labor Day I banged you and never called you again. Kinda wasted my entire summer - except that after I dropped you off each night and you’d give me that ridiculous kiss on the cheek while wagging your finger, “No, no no. Not until after Labor Day”, I’d go over and fuck Roberta’s brains out. I’ll bet you’re now married, living on Park Avenue and your husband hates you. Never want to see you again. “No, no, no. Not until after I’m dead!”
? - For 3 nights in a row, during that week after Labor Day - after everyone else had ended their season and gone back to New York City, I see you hanging around outside that Hampton’s bar at closing time, sitting on the fence post. You tried to make it look like you were waiting for your ride, but you fooled nobody. At first I thought you might be a hooker, but then I realized you were too unattractive for anybody to pay. By the third time I saw you there, I recognized the look - I knew you were just a desperate woman wanting to hear something that no one was ever going to be able to tell you. So I offered you a ride, spent about $5 at 7-11 to buy some beers and fucked you doggie style because I didn’t want to see your face. You were in need. I was in need. I never even asked your name. After I gave you a ride home, I went over the bridge and drove down Dune Road for maybe a mile. The road was deserted and dark. I pulled over and just sat there. I didn’t want to go back to the beach house. I didn’t want to go back to New York City. So I just sat there. I think maybe I wanted to cry - I didn’t - I haven’t cried since 3rd grade when my mother drove away. So no I didn’t cry. But I sat there until the sun came up.
Alexis - After that crazy Hampton’s summer, I really began to hate myself. So I kept myself in lockdown and spent the next two years taking my work very seriously. No sex at all. Then out of the blue, I meet you on a elevator. You were a wonderful person. You were beautiful, funny and kind. Your pubic hair was magically soft. I just wasn’t ready to start again. Sorry. Wish you well.
Jill #1 - You were an annoying Jap. You were ugly. Your tits sagged. Sex was atrocious! Hey, I know the saying is “Suck my dick” - but you took it too literally. Don’t just put it in your mouth and make a sucking sound. Oh...never mind...go watch a porn movie. Can’t believe I waited two years for this? And the 2nd time you came over, you brought your contact lens solution and 2 business suits! What? Who invited you to move in? I should never have fucked Alexis, because it re-opened the flood gates and you washed in.
Jill #2 - You made me both excited and sad. You were constantly trying to get in with the right crowd. Get it into your head already: You are not attractive, they do not want you in their clique. You mother obviously drank when she was pregnant because you have that classic scrunched fetal alcohol symptom face. But you kept trying, to the point of desperation. My God! You went to an Ivy League College, but you’d suck your doorman if he got you into the right club. All that said, you did provide some wicked sex.. That time in the sand dunes when we fucked and that total stranger came up to watch and you started jerking him off. And that time in front of your sister? What the fuck was that? I probably jerk off to your memories more than anyone else.
Fiona - You were the most boring girl I’ve ever endured. Who goes shopping for a pen? You want a pen, look between my couch pillows. There are a dozen pens in there. What a painfully dull bitch you are. And the sex was embarrassing. I cum on your face and you pat my back saying, “There, there. That’s OK. Accidents happen.” News flash, I came on your face to degrade you. And you react like a mother soothing a child with a scraped knee. You’re boring and you’re an idiot!
Karena - I thought you were an exotic beauty from Turkey. But you were really just a bitchy Staten Island girl hiding in the exotic body of a foreign national. You had the most sexual look, but you had no idea how to use it. It was like a Ferrari was given to a 12 year old without a driver’s license. And maybe it was a cultural thing, but do you realize that I can pick out my own shirts? And I know how to choose an item from the menu. You were constantly trying to dictate everything. You suffocated me. I could have tolerated you more if the sex was better, but it wasn’t. I’m not surprised you are still single. Go back to Turkey and suffocate your own kind.
Barbara - I met you at a party, two hours later, you stripped for me. You seemed neurotic to the point of flaky. You called me 2 months later to say you had an ovarian cyst and you wanted to know if I caused it? Yeah, I did - just after I disrupted the Earth’s magnetic field. Flake.
Helen - That was gross, you had more facial hair than me. And you were such a whacko. Believing yourself to be an artist. Your art was shit. And your meditation. And the vegetarian thing. You were much older than me. I thought that could be fun. But you got off the bus in the ‘60s and stayed there. And what’s more, the sex was so dull and your apartment smelled like cat piss.
Emily - You are the poster child of what can go wrong with long term use of prescription drugs. You are destined to forever be medicated. Here are some things you shouldn’t do: Don’t turn to the table next to us in a restaurant and ask if the fellow is done with his cake. I don’t know who was more horrified when you ate it, me or him. And don’t take a leak in a subway car. Even the homeless know how to hold it better than you. I can only image that was the drugs fucking up your frontal lobe. But I will say something kind about you. You loved it in the ass, “Yes, fuck me in the ass! Fuck me deep and make it hurt!” You were at least good for something.
Page - All right, this is a bizarre one. You are smart. You are pretty. You are successful. But never ever should you sleep with a guy and then tell him the next morning that your last boyfriend died of AIDS. That was a dickish thing to do. I never wanted to go near you again.
JoAnn - Picked you up on an Amtrak train. You were dull, but I went along on the ride for a while, mainly because I thought your mother was hot. I was actually hoping for a chance to bang her. She certainly had more personality than you. Hey, some sexual advice. It is not a lollipop. You don’t hold it by the stem and lick it. Go ask your mother.
Elana - I had a live-in girlfriend at the time, so I couldn’t take you to my place. You had roommates who knew my live-in girlfriend, so we couldn’t go to your place. So I took the spare key to my girlfriend’s father’s apartment because I knew he only used it a few times a month. DAMN! That was so embarrassing - to find his potential son-in-law in HIS bed with a woman who wasn’t his daughter. I’m sorry about that. You seemed nice, but after that incident I just had to hide from everyone.
Donna - You were on the cruise ship because you were afraid to take the plane to Europe. You took me to your cabin, but you were afraid of catching a disease, so we watched each other jerk off. That was hot. Too bad we never met up again. My guess was that you were afraid of too many things in life. But still, I loved that jerk off thing and have done it many times since. A lot of girls get into it. Thanks.
Ellen - I met you at that party and we fucked later that night. And I got the definite sense you were using me to get back at some boyfriend. Don’t do that. That kind of behavior is reserved for pricks like me.
Dr. Lisa - You are a doctor. And on the first date, you asked me to fuck you in the ass. Didn’t you learn anything in Med School about Safe Sex? Other than the ass part, you were dull. You kinda reminded we of someone who went to Band Camp. And what’s with the beret. You look like some 1970s graduate of the Lycee Francaise. You are such a dork.
Kate - You were great. Smart. Good looking. Such a part of Grand New York, with your cocktail parties and benefit dinners. Remember that time you introduced me to your friend Anna? I talked to her for hours, exchanging stories. As she was leaving, I told her she should be a writer. She laughed. Later that night you told me her full name - Anna Quinlan. OK, I’m a jerk. I’m not sure why it didn’t work out with you. Maybe your family was too rich. People might have called me a gold digger. So I walked away.
Sue - I lied to you. I just wanted to get into your pants and fuck you. And as soon as I did, I dumped you and made you cry. I didn’t really care. But I’ve always wondered though, why did you insist that we fuck in your roommate’s bed? Why did you insist I use your roommates vibrator on you? I think your a closet lesbian.
Holly - You are a sexual weirdo. You take me home. I suck on your pussy til you come. Then you ask me to leave. Next date, same thing. So I asked our mutual friend, your ex. He said you did the same thing with him. I mentioned to our other friend in Seattle, same thing. You have some sexual baggage going on there, don’t you. But no matter, I didn’t really like you. I just wanted to see your pussy so I could talk to my friends about you.
Lisa - Skinny as can be, red pussy hair and enormous tits. I still have that vision of you on all fours with me banging you from behind - you tits swaying, the size of bowling balls. I jerk off to you sometimes. Too bad you were a bitch.
Mary Lee - You are that typical fat girl who over compensates by trying to be too social. And to be 33 and still a virgin. That is fucked up. Thanks for the BJ, but I just couldn’t be the one to pop your cherry. I heard that you lost the weight. That was good. Then I heard you died of cancer. That was bad. Sorry.
Pat - You were Mary Lee all over again. Why do fat girls date me and then when I dump them, they lose 50 lbs and try to turn their lives around. I should market myself as a diet plan. But I loved the way you swallowed my cum. You really knew how to play with it.
Donna - You were old, I was drunk. I should have just masturbated that night. But my mother was in the hospital and I didn’t want to be alone. I never think about you.
Maura - You were so sexy hot. We went on a hike and you took your shirt off. And when we passed other hikers, you just smiled and said hello. So hot. Sorry I came inside you. I know that freaked you out.
Mary - I think that car accident when you were 22 gave you brain damage. You were a math major in college, but 10 years later you couldn’t finish a fucking sentence: “I can. I can finish a - hey, is it rain- I’m sleepy.” I dunno, you were like a character from a Simpsons episode, saying off-the-wall things all the time, but not realizing how ridiculous they sounded to the rest of us. “Starsky and Hutch, that’s a kind of ice cream isn’t it?” And sex with you was like something from a bad tv sitcom. I’m banging your pussy. I’m staring at your beautiful face. I’m about to come, when you look deep into my eyes and say, “You know, tomorrow, I think I’ll wear that green dress with the brown belt.” Externally you were beautiful. Internally, I think your brain had turned to apple sauce.
Regis - Ug. You are not in my masturbation fantasies. You are not in anyone’s masturbation fantasies. I thought I’d feel guilty about being your first. I knew when I popped you that I’d never see you again. But in the end, I didn’t care. Maybe you should get a tattoo or something. Anything that might give you the sex appeal you so desperately need.
Kristin - I’m not sure what to say. I certainly can’t get mad at you. It was all my doing. You worked in the cafeteria in my office building. You had a strangely deformed face. Your chin was too long. Your cheekbones weren’t symmetrical. And you were overweight. I saw you leaving the building that day. I shouldn’t even have been there, but I didn’t want to go to the hospital and I didn’t want to go to the office. I took you home and we fucked.
You know what I remember most about you? It wasn’t your twisted face. It wasn’t your sickeningly artificial childish mind set - “So I said to him I said, first of all, like ...whatever!” What I remember about you most was the disturbing image of removing you pants and seeing the inches of curly black pubic hair poking out in all directions from your hole-ridden panties. I’m guessing you didn’t have any visitors down there for a while and certainly weren’t expecting anyone that day.
Maybe when you were 16, you kept yourself well groomed, thinking you might meet a nice man and have a relationship. But as the years went by and nobody called, you let yourself go. And here you were at 35 years old. Deformed and alone. Maybe you thought no man would ever see you naked again? You were almost right. I wasn’t a man. I was a sniveling, crying 3rd grade piece of shit. Just like Helen who got off the bus in the 60s and missed her connection back to the modern world - just like that - my mother threw me out of the car when I was 10 and left me there on that dark road all alone with no chance of finding my way home. Fuck you bitch. And like...whatever!
That’s it. Well, at least those are the ones I can remember.
And now? Now, I don’t sleep with anyone. It has been 4 years, cold turkey. I dunno. Everytime some friend tries to set me up on a date, I have this flashback to that no-name girl sitting on the fence post outside that Hampton’s bar. The one I fucked, but didn’t want to see her face. I think of that girl and then politely decline the offer of a date. It sounds hard not to have sex, but actually, it’s just easier.
You know what Kathryn would say - my true love who I should have married all those years ago - you know what she would say? She would wave her psych degree in my face and say, “When was the last time you slept with a girl? And when was it that your psycho-bitch mother died? Hmmm, what an interesting coincidence.”
Yeah, I dunno. It doesn’t matter. I like my job. I like my friends. Maybe one day I’ll go on a date again, but no rush.