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Comedy Collection
Post up anything funny you find online here. Could be flash videos, amusing websites, text jokes, anything.

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Old 04-16-2005, 11:53 AM   #1
Torque
 
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The Overkill

Wasn't really aproppriate to be posted in the 'Kills', but here it is in this part... some might find it funny.

BTW, this first appeared on BMW-F... err werkz a few months back.



Thursday afternoon. Perfect weather with mild sunshine... I aproach a light maybe a couple of miles from my house. Work was a real bitch that day, so I'm feeling very cocky. I sure wouldn't mind a good race.

I guess that God was tuned in to my frequency that hour... He answered the prayer. Next to me, in the right lane pulled up a large vehicle. I look over, his 24s with massive rubber sitting higher than my roof... I think to myself "WIGGER". At this time, his engine starts to growl louder and louder, his exhaust fumes filling the peaceful alley. I open the sunroof, so I could see the driver. A wigger indeed.

I think to myself, no way this shmuck is revving at me. I glance at the gauges, my engine singing at around 700 rpm, one of the 12 lifters ticking slowly... At this point the driver of this large piece of machinery moves up over the line. 'No' I think to myself. If he gets the jump on me I will have great problems reeling him in. I move up as well. I put my seat in the upright position, giving me the commanding view of the road, so I don't slaughter any pedestrians while in the process of racing this turbocharged diesel beast putting down more torque at idle than I do at 5500 rpm.

The opposing light turns yellow, the driver looks down through my sunroof... I glance back. He is gripping his steering wheel with both hands wrapped in fine leather gloves. At this point I am thinking "Whoa, not only a wigger, but possibly a drug dealer since he can afford those fine leather gloves. I glance once more and he gives a big grin.

Our light hits green, I nail it. The almighty m20 comes to life. The growl of air going through the crack on the intake pipe overcomes the noise that lifter is making, and I lurch forward. Surprisingly, I never lose traction. I keep going... 2k, 3k, 4k rpm, 4500 I let the tranny go to second. I glance in the mirror, he is about half a buslenght behind...using the formula 1BL = 3CL that comes out to be 1.5 actual carlenghts that he is behind.

I put the foot down all the way through second, now already going for a overkill. Hell, I don't get many races around here, so I might as well just slaughter him.

At around 53 mph I let off and cruise. The giant white beast already a city block behind - I have won. I tap the brakes twice and drop the speed down to 49 to cruise.

Now I think to myself "Maybe he had problems launching, and wants to go from a roll". I know his massive diesel torque would own me, but I brake hard, car sliding left to right, as I struggle to stay in my left lane. The bus is coming up, his lights getting larger. I wait, and as he is about 2 car lengths behind I blip the throttle twice. He doesn't respond, and without ever signaling takes a hard right. I guess he was too embarassed.

So, I beat a large white vehicle running 24s and KY Lotto banners on his sides. His Turbodiesel Rear engine - rear wheel drive was no match for the m20 powere 5 series. I guess he might be on a public transportation forum right now posting how he got slaughtered, so if you guys wanna see if you can find anything go ahead.
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Old 04-16-2005, 01:31 PM   #2
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hehe, congratulations. my story to add is shorter, but kinda feels the same. I was sitting at a light at about 9pm one night on my way home. two girls (somewhat good-looking) pull up beside me in a mid-90's ford taurus. they're both looking over and laughing. And i just look back and sit there, not thinking anything of it. as soon as the light turns green, i just start to slowly accelerate, in no hurry to get anywhere, and this taurus "launches" (i'll say this word for a description, but you could hardly call it a launch). So i'm like ok, they wanna play? so i floor it, and them having a jump on me, it took a little bit to catch up and fly past them spewing water and exhaust all over them in theira awesome loserness. After this i felt kinda dumb for actually racing against a couple girls in a taurus, but it seems about the same as a "turbo-deisel white beast".
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Old 04-16-2005, 09:28 PM   #3
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both good stories, damn that was alot to read though torque. btw nice vocabulary!
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Old 04-18-2005, 11:30 PM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Torque
Wasn't really aproppriate to be posted in the 'Kills', but here it is in this part... some might find it funny.

BTW, this first appeared on BMW-F... err werkz a few months back.



Thursday afternoon. Perfect weather with mild sunshine... I aproach a light maybe a couple of miles from my house. Work was a real bitch that day, so I'm feeling very cocky. I sure wouldn't mind a good race.

I guess that God was tuned in to my frequency that hour... He answered the prayer. Next to me, in the right lane pulled up a large vehicle. I look over, his 24s with massive rubber sitting higher than my roof... I think to myself "WIGGER". At this time, his engine starts to growl louder and louder, his exhaust fumes filling the peaceful alley. I open the sunroof, so I could see the driver. A wigger indeed.

I think to myself, no way this shmuck is revving at me. I glance at the gauges, my engine singing at around 700 rpm, one of the 12 lifters ticking slowly... At this point the driver of this large piece of machinery moves up over the line. 'No' I think to myself. If he gets the jump on me I will have great problems reeling him in. I move up as well. I put my seat in the upright position, giving me the commanding view of the road, so I don't slaughter any pedestrians while in the process of racing this turbocharged diesel beast putting down more torque at idle than I do at 5500 rpm.

The opposing light turns yellow, the driver looks down through my sunroof... I glance back. He is gripping his steering wheel with both hands wrapped in fine leather gloves. At this point I am thinking "Whoa, not only a wigger, but possibly a drug dealer since he can afford those fine leather gloves. I glance once more and he gives a big grin.

Our light hits green, I nail it. The almighty m20 comes to life. The growl of air going through the crack on the intake pipe overcomes the noise that lifter is making, and I lurch forward. Surprisingly, I never lose traction. I keep going... 2k, 3k, 4k rpm, 4500 I let the tranny go to second. I glance in the mirror, he is about half a buslenght behind...using the formula 1BL = 3CL that comes out to be 1.5 actual carlenghts that he is behind.

I put the foot down all the way through second, now already going for a overkill. Hell, I don't get many races around here, so I might as well just slaughter him.

At around 53 mph I let off and cruise. The giant white beast already a city block behind - I have won. I tap the brakes twice and drop the speed down to 49 to cruise.

Now I think to myself "Maybe he had problems launching, and wants to go from a roll". I know his massive diesel torque would own me, but I brake hard, car sliding left to right, as I struggle to stay in my left lane. The bus is coming up, his lights getting larger. I wait, and as he is about 2 car lengths behind I blip the throttle twice. He doesn't respond, and without ever signaling takes a hard right. I guess he was too embarassed.

So, I beat a large white vehicle running 24s and KY Lotto banners on his sides. His Turbodiesel Rear engine - rear wheel drive was no match for the m20 powere 5 series. I guess he might be on a public transportation forum right now posting how he got slaughtered, so if you guys wanna see if you can find anything go ahead.
Hysterical, I remember it from that other site, what's its name again? hehe ANyways, still funny
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Old 04-19-2005, 09:02 AM   #5
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Lol, the lifter... lol, rear engine... hah
The lifter is the funniest hah, story never gets old.
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Old 04-19-2005, 05:33 PM   #6
cruzin 323is

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too tired to read it.. i'll read it later!! sorry
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Old 04-19-2005, 06:36 PM   #7
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the funny thing is, you werent exactly supposed to mention it was a bus and let us guess, but u slipped when u said something like, "i could see the bus coming" .. or maybe u really didnt care, i dunno
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Old 04-20-2005, 10:16 AM   #8
Joey

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I didn't know what it was until about the end.
Kind of like that story that sounds like some guy's having sex with a cow.

I better hope someone else knows what I'm talking about.
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Old 04-20-2005, 10:40 AM   #9
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Haha nice one torque
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