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Comedy Collection
Post up anything funny you find online here. Could be flash videos, amusing websites, text jokes, anything.

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Old 06-20-2007, 04:33 AM   #1
stevo

Name: stevo
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the fireman

A fireman is polishing his fire engine outside the fire station when he
notices a little girl next door in a little red cart with little ladders
hung on the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.


The little girl is wearing a fireman's helmet and has the cart tied to a dog
and a cat. The fire-fighter walks over to take a closer look:

"That's a lovely fire engine,' he says admiringly.
'Thanks,' says the little girl. The fireman looks closer and notices the
little girl has tied one of the cart's strings to the dog's collar and one
to the cat's testicles.

'Little colleague,' says the fire-fighter, 'I don't want to tell
you how to run your fire engine, but if you were to tie that rope around the
cat's collar, I think you could probably go a lot faster.'

The little girl pauses for a moment, looks at the wagon, at the dog and at
the cat, then shyly looks into the fireman's eyes and says:

'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a f**king siren,
would I?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE DRUNK


A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when
he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.

He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps
into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost
overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the
drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk answers, "Yes, I am." So the preacher
grabs him and dunks him in the water.

He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him
into the water again for a little longer.

He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found
Jesus
my brother?"

The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the
drunk in the water again -- - but this time holds him down
for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms
and legs he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found
Jesus?"

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says
to the preacher,

*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

JOE


Joe had bad heads for years and went to the doctors.
The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.
The bad news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and
the pressure creates one hell of a headache.
The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.

He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first
time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realised that he felt like a different person.

He could make a new beginning and live a new life

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "that's what I need a new suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see . . . size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit and it fitted perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked,

"How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."
Joe was surprised,
"That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years."

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked,
"How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."
The salesman said, "Let's see . . . Size 36." Joe laughed, "Ah ha!

I got you this time; I've worn a size 32 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 32.

A size 32 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and
give you one hell of a headache."






New suit - $200

New shirt - $36

New underwear - $10


Second Opinion - PRICELESS

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

TOUGH OLD COWBOY

A tough old cowboy from Denton, Texas, counseled his grandson that if he
wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun
powder on his oatmeal every morning.

The grandson did this religiously to the age of 103.
When he died, he left 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great
grandchildren, 25 great-great grand children,
and a 15 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

Last edited by stevo; 06-20-2007 at 04:41 AM..
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Old 06-20-2007, 09:28 AM   #2
denyo77
 
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Name: denyo77
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Germany
Rate My Car: 198 / 340
Your Ride: 1988 325i Touring
Second Opinion - PRICELESS

you really got the point
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