Good idea, but there is approximately a half tank of gas present. This is verifiable judging by the fuel gauge and a firm rear-end shake.
As an update, the battery was charged, reinstalled, and remained idle for a week, however, the voltage has since plummeted from about 12.68 V to 7.78 V. This indicates that not only is there something preventing the engine from turning over, but there is also a phantom power drain.
This is a mystery worthy of Watson and Holmes. Any advice would be most helpful!