a guy walks into a bar.......
......... and says "all lawyers are assholes" a guy in the bar stands up and says "hey, I resent that" the first guy says, "oh, sorry. are you a lawyer?" the guy says "no, Im an asshole"
3 guys walk into a bar. the fourth one ducks.
heres one to use when first meeting people
"how much does a polar bear weigh... JUST ENOUGHT TO BREAK THE ICE!"
A motorway walks into a pub one day. He goes up to the bar and orders himself a drink. He just sits down when in walks a strip of tarmac.
The motorway sees the tarmac and starts to panic so he jumps over the bar and ducks down so it won't see him. The barman looks down at him and says, "What's the matter with you? Why are you hiding? You've got six lanes and two hard shoulders. Why are you frightened of a piece of tarmac?
The motorway replies, "You don't know him like I do. He's a cyclepath."
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