(Sultry female voice
Welcome to Susan's Message Parlor of Delights. We would be delighted if you would leave your name, number, and of course a message that doesn't rub us the wrong way...
(Theme from "Raiders of the Lost Ark" in the background
You've reached the residence of John and Tom. We can't come to the phone right now, because we're cleaning the refrigerator. Please leave your name and number, and we'll get back to you.
(Theme music and voice from Alfred Hitchcock Presents
Good evening. I'm sorry, but Steve can't come to the phone now, as he's quite tied up. (Sounds of struggle in background, and voice heard through a gag.) I should know. I tied him up. But leave your name and number, and he'll return your call if he manages to get free. And speaking of things that are not free, we now have this word from our sponsor...
Uh, hello, Mike and Brian aren't here right now. They've been kidnapped! So at the beep, leave your name, your number, your message, and ten thousand dollars in a brown paper bag.
(To scare off annoying liberals
Hello, and thank you for calling the Bush in 50 Campaign. Your five dollar donation to get George Bush re-elected in all 50 states will automatically be charged to your phone bill. If you would like to leave a message... (To the tune of "Heartbreak Hotel" with appropriate music
I just left home baby, I'll be out fer a spell, and if you don't leave a message baby, you can go to BEEP
(To the tune of "Smells Like Teen Spirit" by Nirvana
Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, No one's here, No one's home, Leave a message, At the tone. Don't feel stupid, Its no big fuss, Leave a message, You can reach us.
(US National Anthem; Ronald Reagan voice
Uhh, hello... I'm, uhhh, ohhhhhh... (Pause.) Well, anyway, I'm here to answer the telephone on behalf of... erm... uhhhh... ermmm... (Pause.) I mean, he can't come to talk to you right now, but if you leave a message after the, umm oh, the uhhhh... the uhhhhhh... BEEP.
Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and BEEP.
(Whole family crowds around, including screaming babies and noisy pets; to the tune of "Frere Jacques"
We're not here now, We're not here now, Don't hang up, Don't hang up, Leave your name and number, Leave your name and number, We'll call back, We'll call back.
(With loud music playing in the background) "Hello... HELLO?? I can't hear you! What?
(With strong east Indian accent
Hello, you have reached the existential hotline of Ransheesh. I am currently meditating, but if you leave your name and which lifeline you are currently inhabiting at the sound of the Om, I will send good karma waves and contact you when the stars align properly.
Hi, I'm Linda. You know, it can be really lonely when you're a fashion model. Sometimes I just have to... (Interrupting
Oh come on Linda, give me the damn phone... (Ask them to leave a message.)
**Classical music in background, slow stoned voice** Don't you ever wonder what life would be like? ...
**Deadpan voice** Hi, This is Dave. Please leave a message as soon as possible and I'll get back to you at the sound of the tone.
**Drunken voice** You have reached Bob's hotline. We are not able to respond due to uninevitable circumcisions. But if you leave your name and noomber, we won't be in wonder... pa-a-a-a!
**In a bored voice** Heaven, God speaking...
**in a computer generated voice** Hello, there are no real people here to answer the phone right now.
**in a computer generated voice** Leave your name, telephone number, and a brief message after you hear the beep, and we will keep track of this stuff until the real people get back.
**Lots of phone pick-up noise** Hi, I'm a burglar and I was just about to steal Troy's answering machine. If you give me your name and number, I'll... Uh, I'll post it on the fridge where he'll see it. Uh... By the way, where did you say you live?
**Loud heavy-metal music in background; raspy voice** Hello, this is the executioner. Joe can't come to the phone right now because he's DEAD! Leave a name and number and IF we decide to resurrect him, he'll call you back.
[Must have good Australian accent] G'day mate. Can't come to the phone now because I'm a bit tied up with this crocodile. Just leave a message, and I'll get back to you.
**Note the spelling in this one!** After the tone, please leave a massage—my shoulders really could use it, and... What? You're only supposed to leave a MESSAGE? Darn....
**Star Trek theme in the background** Voice 1: Room 17, the final frontier. Voice 2: These are the messages of Chad's answering machine. Its two-semester mission: To seek out your name and your telephone number. Voice 3: To boldly inform you to wait for the tone.
[Very fast] Hi, this is 555-5555. If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and BEEP.
Voice 1: Answer the phone, please, Hal. Voice 2: I'm sorry, Dave, I can't do that.