You have reached the offices of the planet Zarton. All our agents are busy undermining the governments of the Earth and cannot come to phone at the moment. However, your name and number can be left at the tone and a representative will gladly contact you shortly to arrange for your assimilation into the new order. Long groblint the ultimate blenstron.
You have reached the Strategic Air Command Nuclear Missile Storage Facility. We are unable to come to the phone right now. At the tone, please leave your name, number, and target or list of targets, and we'll launch as soon as we can. And have a nice day.
You have reached the Suicide Prevention Hotline. All our lines are busy now, but if you leave your name and number, someone will get back to you as soon as possible.
you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it... I mean,
You just dialed into the North American Air Defense Contract Center. Stand by at the tone to give coordinates and destination of incoming bogey. TNR Surveillance will scramble. If you do not respond, this unit will assume incoming, non-urgent.
You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me...
You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.
You've called our number, but we don't care. If we did, we'd be here. So leave a message at the tone, and we'll call u back, when your not home.
You've reached the B&D Hotline. All our operators are tied up right now, so if you leave a name, number, a list of transgressions, and bark like a dog, we'll get right back to you with your penance.
This is our answering machine. (Switch to heavy metal racket
This is our answering machine on drugs. (Silence...) Any message?
(Demented, screechy voice; occasional background screams
Hello. Thank you for calling Last Straw Chiropractic. (Raspy gasp.) We can't come to the phone right now because we're making a couple of adjustments. (Break a few small twigs; big scream.) Please leave your name and number and we'll get back to you as soon as it is humanly possible. Thank you very much.
(Drawling granny voice
Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine. You jusht had to call and call until shummbody got home. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don' like 'em, but I shay it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a message. Thanks a lot.
(Frantic violin music
Hello. You have reached 555-3949. We are currently unable to answer because we are either chasing, or being chased by, bats. Please leave a message.
(French monologue in the background
Around the world today, millions still speak French as either a first or second language. But with your continued support and help, we can wipe out French in our lifetime. Please leave a message in English at the tone, and remember, if someone tries to speak French to you, just say, "non".
(From Japanese friend): He-lo! This is Sa-to, If you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave "sexy" message I call sooner!
(Gregorian chants in background; serene voice
Hello, Brother or Sister. You have reached the Cubicles of Curtis, Chris, and Jim. We are at Vespers and therefore answering other calls, but if you will leave your name, number, and a brief message, we will consider breaking our vow of silence to return your call. Please speak loudly, clearly, and in tongues.
(Imitating Mr. Rogers
Hello. I'm in the Neighborhood of Make Believe right now, so I can't come to the phone. Can you leave your name and number when you hear the sound of the tone? Sure... I knew you could.
(In a good Australian accent
G'day mate. Can't come to the phone now because I'm a bit tied up with this crocodile. Just leave a message, and I'll get back to you.
(In British voice) Hello! I'll be eating lunch on my yacht, but I might be able to clear my schedule if you’d like to do something.... leave me a pleasant message after the beep.
(In Joe Friday voice
This is Constable Augie of the Canadian Security and Intelligence Service. The phone line you have just dialed is currently under investigation on a warrant issued by the Attorney General of Canada. To facilitate our investigation, we would appreciate you leaving your name, number, a brief message, and any affiliations you may have made now, or in the past, with communist or terrorist organizations. Thank you.
(In the background can be heard springs creaking and various moans; husky, soft female voice is best
You've just reached Sharon's Pleasure Palace. We're all busy as I'm sure you can tell, but when we're done... we'll get back to you in whatever way we can.
(Italian Mafia-style voice
I can't come to the phone right now. Me and Guido are trying to stuff a body in the trunk. I think we're going to have to size it a little... (Aside
HEY GUIDO! GET THE CHAINSAW! Anyways, leave your name and a message. If I like it, you'll hear from me. If not, you'll hear from Guido! (Laughter.)
(Jack Webb voice
This is the city. Lambertville, New Jersey. I work here. I carry a tune. I was changing my name to protect my innocence when I got a call about a 411. It sounded like good information to me. But I needed more. A name and a number. So leave yours and I'll return your call. Or I can send you a FAX. Nothing but the FAX, ma'am. (Hum the "Dragnet" theme...)