I called around trying to find an ECU locally, and ended up talking to Strictly German for a while. He said if I have a clear-label ECU (which I think I do, if I remember right), then putting the ECU in Rob's car would cause it not to start too, because of an early version of EWS. So this invalidates our test from last night. Meaning my ECU might not be bad at all. Now I honestly have no clue what it is.
Rob, can you call me as soon as you wake up?